when i’m being sent home by my boss earlier than my roster, i feel bad about it. primarily because going home early = destroys the budget. i’m trying to watch my income as close as i can. each week, i know how much my usual expenses are such as the flat rent and food allowance, and i know precisely how much hours i should work to at least reach that expense, and then everything on top of that will be “savings”. yesterday, i was asked to finish an hour before my time’s up, but i was quite relieved. i know it means i lost an hour worth of minimum wage work, but i just felt so tired.
i am exhausted in a lot of things. physically, with 8 hours a day standing and making all the tables spotless clean, with the unmanageable roster i’m getting constantly shifting from day to night shifts, with every single detail i hear about how i do my work like the lasagne cheese clinging on the sides of the plate i serve, or how messy i did the lamb shanks sauce. plus all the email rejects for IT job application when i get home and check my email. you see, it all adds up. i am irritated. it’s non-sense.
it’s strange walking home at half past 3 in the morning. late afternoon before i start my shift, i wear a wool jacket. it’s still winter down here, and it’s drizzling a lot of times making it even colder. when i finish work, i comfortably walk home in the wee hours with just my shirt and jeans, holding my jacket while ignoring pedestrian lights and crossing the carless streets. i don’t feel cold even it’s less than 10C outside. perhaps because just having been from work made me feel warm, or the many thoughts that run in my mind made me invincible to the coldness and numb to the icy air. i walk as fast as i can, looking forward for a glass of alcohol fix and a fag back in the flat. i know i will not be sleeping yet despite being so tired. i will quickly check my email. of course, finding a lot of canned reject replies from just about all the IT positions i applied online. several spams, and some subscriptions, but no personal email. then i get an empty glass, pour some orange juice and then tequila. if i’m too lazy to fix my drink, a bottle of vodka mudshake will do. roll a holiday green cig, light it up, and inhale the nicotine until it fills my lungs. i do all this as quietly as a i can so as not to disturb my sleeping flatmates, and probably snoring neighbor.
yes, i’ve been smoking for 3 months now, but i know i can handle it. i’m not addicted to it or anything, i just smoke because i smoke. if you ask me if i’m getting satisfaction from it, the answer is no. it just gives me something to do, and the chance that for a short amount of time, i do not think of anything. is that even possible?
i am sane, and as a sane person would realize sooner if he’s in any shit, i know that this is becoming pointless. it’s been enough time for me, and enough effort on my part. i know my limits, and i know when it starts to look like i’m overly pushing myself through something unachievable.
it has been a great time. 
