today is my last rest day from casino, and i’ll be working for four more days starting tomorrow before completely abandoning my career in hospitality. i am happy to be leaving my job because to be truthful, working in casino is depressing. if i only had the chance to work elsewhere, i would have done long ago. it is a gambling place and being in the vicinity a-third of my 24 hours each day, i know that there are much more people losing money than winning. perhaps it is easily betrayed by how colorful and brightly lit the lights are. most of them are blinking incessantly to the varying tunes of hundreds of types of gaming machines. blackjacks, roulette, and other kinds of table games have their own billboard all blinking jolly.
this is the kind of environment i saw for four months. people are losing money, and i know how it feels like to lose a lot of money (obviously). more than that, they are hungry. well, i’ve felt hunger of course. but imagine losing money and dead starving at the same time. and so that is why in my customer’s perspective, i know i’ve been the best employee. i always make sure that while i serve their food, i see their overwhelming faces nodding in agreement to the amount of meat on their plates. i’ve been mixing the food combo from their normal set like giving kumara with lasagna, or pouring gravy on pork belly, or giving extra scoop of mashed potatoes which i effortlessly hide by just stacking it on top of another. i do this not because i want casino to get bankrupt, because i know this tiny act of immaturity in me would have little effect in the business, but i realize that giving more food and satisfying what the customer wants would at least lessen the stress they’re apparently having. i could also be bringing back the money they lose through giving more than enough food, and filling their stomach. lol.
despite the melancholic atmosphere, i know that this work has been a lifeline. it paid for my weekly rent, provided food on the table, and eventually more money to use on my way back to the road, which is very soon. i’m leaving auckland this weekend. i surrender the fight of finding an IT job, and what more practical thing to do visa wise than to go and see places i haven’t been to. i don’t really know exactly where i’m going next but one on the list is back to wellington, my entry point to the country. i’m laughing at myself now how arrogant i was in lugging all of my things from home to this country. i was so sure of successfully migrating, finding a skilled job and staying away out of the philippines for a few years that i literally attempted to empty my room, and stuck all my possessions in a 40-kilo baggage allowance. now, i smile that nobody bought my keyboard, speakers, treadmill, and a few books. most of the things i brought here are in wellington, dormantly packed in an oversized suitcase. it contains all my longsleeves used not even once in this land, crisp and fresh from my mom’s ironing 9 months ago, some grocery items from puregold when i prudently thought that bringing essentials like Ariel, Lucky Me pancit canton, some Colgate, and a few toothbrushes, would be a good idea, even the despedida banner from my lawson friends! in a few weeks, i’ll be putting them in a balikbayan box and ship straight back home. i could only hope they enjoyed their New Zealand stint.
“have you ever thought how you want to die?”, i told ernesto, my flatmate from mexico.
“well, quite a number of times..”, he said.
“and how would that be?”
“hmmm..i want to die in some exciting way.”
“exciting? what do you mean? like dying having sex?!?”
“haha, not really, but that’s a good one. but i want to die not senseless like heart
attack or from a boring disease, and just in bed in the hospital. i want to die in
action.”
“how would that be?”
“like being hit and crashed by a speeding car. with all my blood and organs
scattered and crushed around.”
“morbid.”
“or being eaten by a shark. that’s exciting. i’ll still be part of the food chain.”
“haha”
“how about you?”
“well i wanna die in a more heroic way.”
“like?”
“like saving someone’s else’s life.”
“whooah, ‘really heroic.”
“yeah, but if you think about it, it’s the grandest way to die.”
“yeah, maybe. but i still want it to be exciting.”
“or maybe i’ll be eaten by a shark while saving my son or daughter’s life.”
“now, that’s better!”
when i’m being sent home by my boss earlier than my roster, i feel bad about it. primarily because going home early = destroys the budget. i’m trying to watch my income as close as i can. each week, i know how much my usual expenses are such as the flat rent and food allowance, and i know precisely how much hours i should work to at least reach that expense, and then everything on top of that will be “savings”. yesterday, i was asked to finish an hour before my time’s up, but i was quite relieved. i know it means i lost an hour worth of minimum wage work, but i just felt so tired.
i am exhausted in a lot of things. physically, with 8 hours a day standing and making all the tables spotless clean, with the unmanageable roster i’m getting constantly shifting from day to night shifts, with every single detail i hear about how i do my work like the lasagne cheese clinging on the sides of the plate i serve, or how messy i did the lamb shanks sauce. plus all the email rejects for IT job application when i get home and check my email. you see, it all adds up. i am irritated. it’s non-sense.
it’s strange walking home at half past 3 in the morning. late afternoon before i start my shift, i wear a wool jacket. it’s still winter down here, and it’s drizzling a lot of times making it even colder. when i finish work, i comfortably walk home in the wee hours with just my shirt and jeans, holding my jacket while ignoring pedestrian lights and crossing the carless streets. i don’t feel cold even it’s less than 10C outside. perhaps because just having been from work made me feel warm, or the many thoughts that run in my mind made me invincible to the coldness and numb to the icy air. i walk as fast as i can, looking forward for a glass of alcohol fix and a fag back in the flat. i know i will not be sleeping yet despite being so tired. i will quickly check my email. of course, finding a lot of canned reject replies from just about all the IT positions i applied online. several spams, and some subscriptions, but no personal email. then i get an empty glass, pour some orange juice and then tequila. if i’m too lazy to fix my drink, a bottle of vodka mudshake will do. roll a holiday green cig, light it up, and inhale the nicotine until it fills my lungs. i do all this as quietly as a i can so as not to disturb my sleeping flatmates, and probably snoring neighbor.
yes, i’ve been smoking for 3 months now, but i know i can handle it. i’m not addicted to it or anything, i just smoke because i smoke. if you ask me if i’m getting satisfaction from it, the answer is no. it just gives me something to do, and the chance that for a short amount of time, i do not think of anything. is that even possible?
i am sane, and as a sane person would realize sooner if he’s in any shit, i know that this is becoming pointless. it’s been enough time for me, and enough effort on my part. i know my limits, and i know when it starts to look like i’m overly pushing myself through something unachievable.
it has been a great time. 
it has been a month since my last post that says at least some sense, so i think i would take time to sit down and type something. to be honest, i feel tired. i finished my shift at the casino at half past 3 in the morning earlier today, and will be back for a 9-hour shift later at 6pm, which is about 2 hours from now. i’ve been having graveyard shift the past few days, and tonight will be the worst as i’ll finish later at 3.30 am, which is, technically monday, and will have to go back to start another shift at 11am, on the very same monday morning!
obviously, i need money, and i work while there’s still work. there have been weeks that i only have 10 hours of shift and it is even less than the amount of rent and dues i have to pay..so these days, i work 7 days straight. one person from work resigned, and 2 others are on vacation. so, i guess i better take advantage and rake in as much money as i can.
everyone is leaving. the mexican brothers left the flat (they replaced the argentines) for thailand a few days ago, and i’m now sharing the apartment with 2 american girls on working holiday. with much people leaving, i really really feel that being here is pointless. i’m just basically waiting for my visa to expire, and surely, i’ll be in the next plane out of this country. it’s becoming frustrating, devastating, disappointing, and demoralizing. it seems this country doesn’t need me in the first place, and please don’t get me wrong. i don’t dislike this country. i only dislike the way how it reacts during recession, which is self-centered in a way. migrants are invited here because there is a gap to fill, the gap left by myriads of kiwi leaving for australia, UK, and other countries for better opportunities. during recession, and now that we’re here, we would greatly appreciate any kind of support from the government in settling and getting through immigration process. but we don’t get any. instead, they bend the rules to our disadvantage, they decreased the list of job shortages, prioritize kiwi in all job sectors, which eventually led to migrants being kicked out, back to their own native lands where they lost their jobs long time ago, and sold a lot of their properties. new zealand is an amazing, relax country to move into, but during recession, it is simply the worst. it happily accepts migrants when it needs, it happily pushes them out when it doesn’t need.
if i would only choose and do everything i can without limits, there are really a number of ways to remain in this country. one is converting into a student visa, which will allow me to study and work part time, and after a year, would be entitled to a full-year of open work permit. however, i don’t think i feel like studying and i don’t have the luxurious amount of time, which is a year, to waste. i’ve been in this land close to 8 months, and that is sufficient. another way, which is more obvious to all TNT-to-be, is to marry a local. i do not want to be tied up, nor i am ready for that. there’s nothing more to be explained.
and so, i can sense i will be leaving this land soon. i don’t know if i will be happy with that or not. i’m not frightened of what’s ahead of me, because i’m sure it will be better.
Hallo ´ti! Wie geht es Dir?! Mukhang laking project nyan ha? means laki kita! Goodluck! I am proud of you… keep it up!
goodluck jeremy!
saludo ako sa yo master
Jeremy and his last 2 days at the casino.
hi shiela! salamat sa pag-bisita! maybe life on a backpack, backpack gamit ko eh, hehe.
hello, je! musta na? just hang in there.. you can write a book abt the life on a suitcase..
thanks for dropping by!
Hey! Jere don’t give up…
hi ramil, i know it’s really sad, but each of us is different..just hang in there! you’ll know when to give up. haha “)
thanks carmi, will see you soon i guess!!
Jere!! I like that “Im not frightened because whats ahead of us will be better!! AJA!!!! AJA!!!
I feel for you bro… i am in the same predicament… hope we can have a cup of coffee before you leave…
Jeremy is workaholic = needs money.
Jeremy believes it’s going to be easier.
thanks!
belated happy birthday je~! ^___^
Haberday Je!!! Wala na ako kasabay mag bday 
haberday!
mabuhay ka master!!!
pakshet sabi na nga ba yan ung ninong kong koreano e…HARHAR
